Written on June 24, 2023
I wrote the previous post almost six months ago, and I’ll be honest, it’s a little hard to look back on. Since writing it, I’ve been in a season that’s been really difficult. I’ve felt pretty spiritually dry and have found myself reverting back to old thought patterns that I thought were behind me. I’ve often been overwhelmed with anxiety, with frustration at the pain I see others going through, and with sadness that the period of rich spiritual growth and continual joy that I once was in seems to be gone.
All in all, I’ve been really disappointed in myself for not holding onto that season more tightly. I think I had a subconscious expectation that things would always be good and easy from here on out, that I’d be on an upward trajectory forever with no bumps in the road, that I would never mess up. And it’s been hard to find that that’s not been the case. In a lot of ways, I feel that I’m grieving for those expectations I had for myself that I couldn’t meet.
Reading the previous post has reminded me to take my own advice, and wait it out. And not to exclude God from that waiting process. I need to proactively bring my prayers, my hard feelings and doubts, and my desires to Him. Waiting it out alone will lead me into despair; waiting it out in the presence of God will lead me into confident hope.
But this kind of waiting does not come naturally. It requires making a series of intentional shifts to say no to my natural instincts and to deliberately choose hope.
For example: in these times it’s natural for me to start striving, and to try to force myself back into a place of joy and passion. So instead, I’m going to choose to rest and abide in God.
It’s also natural for me to assume that the way I feel accurately represents reality, but that’s not the truth. The way I feel is subjective, and it fluctuates. I may not actively feel God’s presence all the time, but He is there nonetheless. So, I’m going to choose to anchor myself to the truth, not to my emotions.
And it’s natural for me to fall out of my rhythms of worship and prayer because I feel discouraged or unworthy. But I know that God is big enough to handle my struggles, and that He is committed to seeing me through them. So instead, I’m going to choose to stay in the room with Him and be honest with Him about where I am. I’m going to invite Him into this space and let Him do the work of renewing me.
A couple of things have comforted me in this season. The first is that I started re-reading The Screwtape Letters. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it!
The premise is that this demon (Screwtape) is giving another demon advice on how to trip Christians up (the point of the book being to remind us to be on guard against these tactics). In one chapter, Screwtape tells his reader that it’s natural for humans to experience fluctuation in all areas of their lives – in our work, our marriages, and our spiritual lives we all experience times of deep growth and satisfaction, as well as times of dryness and disappointment. Often we get into trouble when we expect our spiritual lives to be on a permanent upward trajectory, and then become disillusioned when they are not. Then we get into further trouble when we, as C.S. Lewis puts it, “work on the desperate design of recovering [our] old feelings by sheer will-power.”
He also writes about how God uses our spiritual low points to help us to grow and mature: “He wants [humans] to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles”. This was a needed reminder for me, to understand that God is present and patient even when I’m despairing.
The other comfort I’ve found is in thinking about the Psalms. When reading them straight through, it always grabs my attention when a psalm that’s so full of joy and testimonies of God’s faithfulness is immediately followed by one that’s despondent and asking where God is in the mess that he’s in. And usually right after that, there’s another psalm of hope and praise. (See that fluctuation again? We are all over the place!)
We could ask ourselves, why would the Bible include so many passages expressing the psalmist’s doubts and hopelessness? That doesn’t really seem like a selling point for Christianity. But I think the answer is to show us that we are not alone in our experiences of pain, sadness, or spiritual dryness. And, that we are not meant to deal with these things without God. We are meant to bring these things to Him, as He’s the only one who can actually give us the strength to endure.
And I do feel that I’m seeing these truths play out in my life right now. For a while I was just full of anger towards myself for finding myself in this season. I wasn’t really taking it to God, just grieving it by myself. But since I’ve started really wrestling with it and bringing it to Him, I’m actually learning things about myself and my faith, and about God. So even in the challenge, God is still redeeming this moment and using it for His purposes.
I can honestly say that this has been a hard season. It’s been a season of personal failure as well as uncontrollable and hard circumstances. It’s been a season of grief and frustration. But I believe that sometime in the future, I’ll be able to look back and see that it was also a season of growth – maybe of slower, quieter growth than I would have wanted, but maybe also of richer and more sustainable growth than I realized I needed.
Related Scripture & Songs
Psalm 46:10
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.”
John 15:4-5
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness’. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
Philippians 2:13
“For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
Satisfied in You – The Sing Team
Storehouse – The Gray Havens
I Will Wait for You – Shane & Shane
The Girl that Jesus Loved 