Written on October 28, 2023
When writing my previous post, I found it hard to reflect on my words from the beginning of the year. It was difficult to look back on the hope and excitement I had in January, in light of the weariness and sadness of June.
But now, towards the end of the year, I’m experiencing something like the inverse of that when I reflect back on these posts.
The emotions I’m feeling now are not necessarily ones of dancing around for joy, but more of the relief you feel after a long, hard day when you’re finally able to rest. You’re tired and drained, and maybe a little worse for the wear, but you’re safe in the security of your home and are looking forward to the promise of comfort and renewal. That’s how I feel, right now.
I wrestled with a handful of hard things this year. I dealt with the grief and disappointment that comes when life doesn’t go as hoped, for myself and for others. I experienced a level of discontentment with my stage of life that’s pretty new to me. I felt acutely aware of my own faults and capacity for selfishness, and felt distant from and disillusioned in God’s plans for my life.
This season took a long time to pass; truthfully, I wasn’t sure that it would. But it did.
In the middle of all of this, I really started to struggle with trusting that God loved me. Which seems ridiculous, but in the noise of my own mind it felt true. I remember someone saying to me that God loved me and had good things in store for me, and while she was speaking I had such a tangible thought of “no, that’s not true”. And that moment really scared me, because until then I hadn’t realized how much that feeling had been working its way into my mind.
But recognizing that was the first step in starting to move past it.
I began to realize that I felt like joyfully accepting God’s mercy would be taking advantage of His unconditional love, because I was so unworthy of it. But what a way to ignore the entire point of the gospel! By projecting my own self-worth issues onto God’s character, I was completely devaluing the thing that should cause me to praise Him more. It’s only by recognizing my deep unworthiness – and the even deeper love of God – that I can view myself rightly in the eyes of my Savior.
Part of healing from that was speaking my thoughts outwardly – sometimes when you say a thing out loud you realize how ridiculous it sounds. By giving voice to these feelings, I was able to recognize just how theologically untrue they were, and how they didn’t reflect reality. They began to lose their power over me after that.
Another part of it was realizing how much God is at work in the lives of those I love. Lately I’ve felt particularly sensitive in my ability to see that, and it’s opened me up to see how God is at work in my own life, too. It’s as if I was blocked from comprehending His love for me, and so He used His love for others to circumvent my own walls.
I also heard someone say that when you’re in a really tough season and you don’t feel God’s presence, to ask Him to show you what He wants you to learn from that season and to make you aware of how He’s redeeming it. So I started writing down all the things I felt I’d learned from God over the last 6 or so months, and it shocked me. There was so much on that list! I’ve learned more in this period of time, without even realizing it, than in many other times in my life.
That was a huge revelation for me. I’d spent months feeling like I no longer had a sense of God in my life, that He had withdrawn from me because I wasn’t good enough, that I would never come back to that place and He would never work in my life again. And then suddenly I saw that He’d been there, working and patiently waiting for me to catch up, this entire time.
Sometimes, His voice is quiet, and it’s easy to miss it. Unlike the voices of the world, He doesn’t have to yell and make a scene to prove the truthfulness of what He says. But that means His voice can be easy to miss. When the narratives in my head or around me are loud and hard to ignore, it can feel like that’s all there is. But God’s still, small voice is there, speaking truth over me, and you.
So whatever season you’re in – whether it’s one of fruitfulness and excitement, or one of disappointment and rejection – I encourage you to keep anchoring back not to what you feel on any given day, but to what you know to be true.
- Know that the Lord’s love for you is unfailing. He already knows you and still wants you, so don’t be afraid to be honest with Him. Let Him into the darkest parts of your mind, and don’t wait to fix yourself before opening yourself up to a relationship with Him.
- Know that He has a purpose for you and is actively working in your life with a view towards that purpose, even when you don’t see it at the time.
- Know that He understands your grief and bears it with you. He doesn’t promise to make things feel better right now, but He does promise to be there with you in the midst of it.
- Know that those you love are loved by Him as well; they are held in His hands.
- Know that He is faithful, even when you are faithless.
- Know that it’s okay for obedience to be hard at times; Scripture is full of reminders to persevere. Remember that we already have the victory in Christ.
- Know that Jesus is holy and just, but also tender, safe, and loving. He’s a friend to us. And His friendship is more constant, more faithful, than any we’d find in someone else.
- Know that You can trust God’s provision, because He truly does hear and answer prayers. It may not always look like we expect, but He never stops working on our behalf.
- Know that God is the source of our rest. He gave us prayer not to be burdensome, but to give us a way to connect with Him and to release our pain to Him. His yoke is easy and burden is light.
- Know that He hasn’t given up on you. Wanting to know and obey God, or even wanting to want Him, is evidence that He’s not done working in you. Even if you haven’t felt those things in a while, He’s patiently waiting for you – not so He can say I told you so, or What took you so long? but to say Welcome home, beloved.
Related Scripture & Songs
Psalm 40:1-4
“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He reached down to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud; and He set my feet on a rock, making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust…”
Matthew 6:26
“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
Philippians 1:6
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work among you will complete it by the day of Christ Jesus.”
1 Peter 5:6-7, 10
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, having cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you…After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
Manna – Chris Renzema
Promises – Maverick City Music
Deliverance – Strahan
Talking to Jesus – Elevation Worship & Maverick City Music
The Girl that Jesus Loved 